Today would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary. I don’t think this day will ever come when my chest doesn’t hurt and my hands don’t shake. I took the day off because concentration is out of the question, and it is a disservice to my clients.

So, what could I do to celebrate this day alone and get my sh*t together? What else? Take Chip and drive 2 hours and 5 minutes to Wegmans in Dewitt, NY, and go to the cheese department. Ahh.

Chip did not make a guest appearance.

As you may have read in my previous travel posts about Chip, I take his full-size urn with me on adventures.  Contemplating how to get him into Wegmans inconspicuously, the thought crossed my mind that a woman with a heavy backpack, crying in the cheese department, might get some attention; I took “Chip to go” in my purse instead.

Cheese caves? Oh yes!

As Chip and I inconspicuously perused the cheese counters (notice the plural), my mind wandered to the many trips we took together, coffee in one hand, the other hands interlocked. He picked the stinkiest cheeses he could find. The car smelled all the way home. So today, I choose three types of Wegman’s cave cheese:

• Professor Brie
• Cave ripened 1916 Cheese
• And as if the stars were aligned just for me, today’s arrival of Wegmans Sake 2 me. A review will follow tomorrow, but here is a teaser courtesy of Wegmans: From France to our Cheese Caves, this cheese is washed in Sake and has a complex savory flavor, with grassy and herbal notes from the Sake. Milk Type: Cow, Origin: France-USA

In preparation for my cheese evening on the porch tonight, I added a package of Wegmans Castelvetrano Pitted Olives and impeccably sliced prosciutto. I made a few more stops to gather some of my favorite Wegmans products. I purchased a single piece of carrot cake, which was our wedding cake, and sadly hit the checkout.

Please don’t judge or be sad.

Chip and I were together all the time, and it was the joy of my life,  There was nowhere else I would rather be. In our small space in Canandaigua, we worked perilously close together. I could hear him (so could the people in Canada) and smell his cologne. It dawned on me that his cologne provided comfort, peace, and a feeling of closeness even in that small space. So, this morning I sprayed a very small amount on my left wrist, and in the fresh air, I could smell him. Today, Chip’s cologne helped me forget the hospital smell, sterility, and lack of his essense at the end of his life. Those hospital smells and images still linger, albeit mostly in my mind.

Do whatever you need to do to be at peace with yourself or others. ‘To go Chip’ is with me, and the wedding ring I placed on his hand 33 years ago is now at home and resides on my hand. It doesn’t replace him, but it keeps him close, and that gives me peace.

Happy Anniversary Chip. I might just lite a cigar tonight and let it burn next to a glass of your favorite bourbon.