Some nights feel endless, and some mornings are so hard to face when I wake up. For a moment, I forget that Chip is not lying here with me. The truth feels like an evil, unforgiving roommate, pouring heavy, undeniable words into my mind. Time seems so strange now. Most days crawl by, and I long for activity, interaction, and some sense of my old life. Others zoom past with projects, phone calls, and imaginary to-do lists. My friends tell me I’m ‘so strong,’ but they don’t see the nights I pace my little home in the dark, wondering how I got here.

I keep asking myself the same questions: how long will these feelings last, and will life ever exist without them replaying in my mind? Days (1719) turn into weeks, then years, and yet these questions never seem to fade. I fear the questions that still remain unspoken and hidden.

How long until I sleep a restful night,

Waking not in a sweat,

But slightly as peace?

How much longer will I awaken,

Literally with dampened eyes,

After dreaming, you are still here?

How long until I look down and see your watch,

Now at home, heavy on my wrist,

And not see it on yours as we hold hands?

How long will your toothbrush and razor,

Remain next to mine on the sink,

Hearing you use them next to me every morning?

When will I stop noticing,

One glass and a plate in the sink,

One side of the bed perfectly unchanged?

How long until I can go to a doctor or dentist and not cry,

When I see my status changed from married to widowed

And my emergency contact isn’t you anymore?

How many concerts will I plan to see,

How many tickets will sit unused

Because the thought of going without you scares me?

When will it be okay for me to laugh out loud,

Smiling when I feel the wind blowing with the car windows down,

Playing More Than A Feeling by Boston as loud as I can?

Will I ever be able to cook again,

Without the unspoken dance, we knew by heart,

As we moved through the kitchen together?

When will I hear the Rippingtons play Caribbean Breeze,

and not remember when I asked the ICU nurse

to play it on the speaker in your room, hoping to give you peace?

How long will I question myself, not knowing

If you really, truly knew how much I loved you,

And what you brought to my life?

If you are reading this because you have lost someone too, I am so sorry you are here for that reason, and I hope you may feel a little less alone. Be patient with me, my friends, as I try to give these questions a place to live outside of my head and say what so many of us are afraid to admit.  Grief knows no timeline, and love never ends, just because a life has.