I was feeling pretty good this morning. I woke up around 5:30 and showered, dressed and left to drive to the White Plains office. I was wearing a lovely new outfit from Talbots, my favorite store. (Best outlet shopping EVER.) So I am feeling pretty good in general, had a few meetings and after a large iced coffee and juice, I excused myself from my meetings and went to the ladies room.
I ‘do my business’ and proceed to zip my pants. The zipper is on the side and as I grab the little tab to pull it up, it literally falls out of the track and to the floor. Let me clarify, I did not split the zipper. Now I panic…Oh my God…. Oh my God. This problem is three fold: one, now my pants are wide open; two, the broken zipper piece is on this bathroom floor and Lord know when it was cleaned last, and three I have to finish this day.
Breathe…not a problem. I have an emergency kit with everything in it from an eyeglass repair kit to Xanax in case I get stuck in the elevator. I search feverishly and find no safety pin. Great. I untuck my shirt a little further and pull down the sweater and dart into the office praying someone has a safety pin. I find one but it is not enough. I feel the air-conditioning on my hip. I finish my meeting and this day is over and Donald and I leave for the ride home. I did not say a word about it and he is too much of a gentleman to say anything if he noticed. I drove the 3 hours back without stopping and packed up those pants for a quick return to the store.
I have had a long standing fear of wardrobe malfunctions because experience tells me so. After what happened today, I remembered all the previous incidents that have built this fear foundation in my brain.
- Like the time my wrap around skirt did not stay wrapped around.(On Fifth Avenue) I did catch it in time. It was not as bad as my friend and co-worker Holly. When we were at LexisNexis she was training an attorney and stood up at the end of the training and her skirt fell to the floor. His back was turned and she scrambled to pull it up. What a save!!. Moral of the story: always safety pin your wrap around skirts.
- How about the time I was doing a huge law firm presentation on Secured Transactions when I inhaled deeply before the start and that front hook bra let loose. I would like to think it is because I was gifted in that department, but no. I think that was operator error. Moral of the story: stick with conventional undergarments.
- What about that stupendous wipeout in Price Chopper. I slipped on antifreeze that was spilled on the floor and right in front of the Freihofer’s Cookie stand, I was laid out in all my glory…or not. Moral of that story: thank GOD I had tights on that day!
- Once I was hit by a hot dog cart in lower Manhattan years ago that left me with a ripped skirt, torn hose and the smell of ‘gutter dogs’ on my skin for days. There is no moral for that story, it was just bad timing.
Now I always carry a spare pair of pantyhose, a spare pair of socks and headband to the gym and various undergarments just in case. In case of what? I am not sure. But I will tell you what, this morning I heard my mother’s voice in my ear: always wear clean underwear!