I have to share something with you ladies.  We do snore.  How do I know? I know because my crazy, yet loving husband, audio taped me doing just that at midnight last night. Let me explain how I got here.

For the past few weeks I have not been sleeping well. My nights have been tumultuous and unsettling. I am dreaming every night odd and fearful dreams and images.  I felt unsettled and one night I bolted upright after I felt a hand on my shoulder. I asked Chip, “Was I snoring?”

“No honey” was his response every night, until this morning.  When I woke up this morning Chip was already awake. I am usually the early riser so I was surprised.

“Why are you up? How did you sleep?” I asked.

No response; just a giggle.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, and he reached for his phone and began to play an audio recording.

“Is that Izzy snoring?”

“No,” he said. “That’s you!”

“WHAT?” and I began to laugh so hard! He said he kept the phone away from my face so the light did not wake me up. It was actually ingenious!

Now ladies, do not despair. Just as we do not fart, we toot.  We do not snore, we breathe deeply with passion and exuberance in a fitful sleep. We are not sliding into the poor habits and stereotypical traits of our male counterparts.

I have gently nudged Chip for over 25 years for snoring so loudly that I feared our alarm system would spontaneously go off.  In addition I have a Pug and that needs no further explanation.  And now I am a member of this elite club.

Needless to say this was a revelation to me and my self perception as a perfect wife and silent sleeper. Dear God, what’s next for the decline of my poor post-menopausal body? Beer and wing night? Scratching my belly under a t-shirt or heaven forbid a decline in my bathroom bodily functions??? (you know what I am saying ladies)

I love my husband for doing something so sneaky and funny. I didn’t think he had it in him and I repent and concede to being a “snorer”.

Where do I go from here? My view of snorers has changed. As I sit in my hotel room tonight and hear the stirrings of my neighbor in room 127, I vow now not to judge him. If he cranks up the snoring tonight, I will not get frustrated or angry. After all, he may be saying the same thing about me!